[ hm. he would have liked a little more information on that one. ] i assume it's against the rules to deal in anything other than absolutes. so, help them.
would you rather make a mistake and be forgiven by yourself and no one else, or make a mistake and be forgiven by everyone but yourself?
i know. but being more specific... it's personal, i guess. right? i didn't want to make it seem like i'm prying and thought this might give you more room to be selective about how much you say.
[ this is not a conversation he would have ever seen himself having with alec lightwood, and if these were different circumstances, he might stop it completely. but they are trying to know each other better, and while it feels like the problems of all immortals or mortals considering immortality are often shared, the similarities here seem too significant to ignore. he can't avoid this when he was—and, at times, still is—up to his neck (ha) in the kind of thoughts and feelings that are dragging alec down now. he knows, too, that this affects magnus directly.
it goes without saying, but: ] it's not easy. for you to watch them die, or for them to watch you live.
but i didn't have a choice. when i recognized there was no going back, the only thing i could do was accept it and move forward.
[ of course, there was a short but nearly deadly period where he recognized there was no going back and felt moving forward was hopeless, unfathomable. but he keeps that to himself.
alec does have a choice, and perhaps it is worse to know that if he makes the wrong one, the fault will lie with him and him alone. ]
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would you rather follow orders and be hurt because of them, or find someone else hurt because of your orders?
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would you rather give an order to someone that will hurt someone, or be ordered to do something that will hurt someone?
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would you rather be unable to answer questions or unable to ask them?
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would you rather act on a plan and never be able to improvise or never have any plan to follow?
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would you rather crave something you can never have or crave nothing in particular but still feel empty?
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would you rather live one of your worst fears or see everyone else live theirs?
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would you rather have to be sad when the person closest to you is happy, or have to be happy when that person is sad?
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would you rather turn away someone that needs help because of who they are or help them even if that might put you in a difficult position?
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would you rather make a mistake and be forgiven by yourself and no one else, or make a mistake and be forgiven by everyone but yourself?
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would you rather be told you hurt someone's feelings or that you failed something that was your responsibility?
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would you rather be a werewolf or a vampire?
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would you rather have a chance to become a mortal human again or stay immortal as a vampire?
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would you rather stay mortal or become immortal, as a vampire or otherwise?
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i can't answer that.
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why not?
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because i've been trying to answer it for months.
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you must have some thoughts, then.
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yeah, and it's that i don't know the answer. even after asking around.
what about you, how do you feel about being immortal?
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that's a broad question, don't you think?
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[ but seriously, alec is making an attempt to be sensitive here. ]
like i said, i wouldn't change it now. this is who i am. but that doesn't mean it's a life without cons.
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i know my parents wouldn't approve. but mostly i think about watching them all die.
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it goes without saying, but: ] it's not easy. for you to watch them die, or for them to watch you live.
but i didn't have a choice. when i recognized there was no going back, the only thing i could do was accept it and move forward.
[ of course, there was a short but nearly deadly period where he recognized there was no going back and felt moving forward was hopeless, unfathomable. but he keeps that to himself.
alec does have a choice, and perhaps it is worse to know that if he makes the wrong one, the fault will lie with him and him alone. ]
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