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[administration]

❝ ＲＡＰＨＡＥＬ. Ｉ'Ｍ ＢＵＳＹ. ❞
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[administration]

be ordered.

would you rather be unable to answer questions or unable to ask them?

[helical]

unable to answer.

would you rather act on a plan and never be able to improvise or never have any plan to follow?

[administration]

act on a plan without improvisation.

would you rather crave something you can never have or crave nothing in particular but still feel empty?

[helical]

crave something i can never have.

would you rather live one of your worst fears or see everyone else live theirs?

[administration]

live one of my own.

would you rather have to be sad when the person closest to you is happy, or have to be happy when that person is sad?

[helical]

be sad.

would you rather turn away someone that needs help because of who they are or help them even if that might put you in a difficult position?

[administration]

[ hm. he would have liked a little more information on that one. ] i assume it's against the rules to deal in anything other than absolutes. so, help them.

would you rather make a mistake and be forgiven by yourself and no one else, or make a mistake and be forgiven by everyone but yourself?

[helical]

forgiven by everyone.

would you rather be told you hurt someone's feelings or that you failed something that was your responsibility?

[administration]

hurt someone's feelings.

would you rather be a werewolf or a vampire?

[helical]

werewolf.

would you rather have a chance to become a mortal human again or stay immortal as a vampire?

[administration]

now? stay a vampire.

would you rather stay mortal or become immortal, as a vampire or otherwise?

[helical]

[ ah. there it is. the worst possible question raphael could ask. ]

i can't answer that.

[administration]

[ well. does that mean he wins? ]

why not?

[helical]

[ technically... yes. ]

because i've been trying to answer it for months.

[administration]

[ for some reason it doesn't quite feel like a victory? ]

you must have some thoughts, then.

[helical]

[ it's not a very joyous one, oops. ]

yeah, and it's that i don't know the answer. even after asking around.

what about you, how do you feel about being immortal?

[administration]

[ give him a moment to resign himself to this conversation. ]

that's a broad question, don't you think?

[helical]

i know. but being more specific... it's personal, i guess. right? i didn't want to make it seem like i'm prying and thought this might give you more room to be selective about how much you say.

[administration]

you guess.

[ but seriously, alec is making an attempt to be sensitive here. ]

like i said, i wouldn't change it now. this is who i am. but that doesn't mean it's a life without cons.

[helical]

yeah. i keep thinking about my family. and what it would mean, about my duty.

[administration]

and what do you think your family would say?

[helical]

[ it's weird, to talk about this with raphael, of all people. ]

i know my parents wouldn't approve. but mostly i think about watching them all die.

[administration]

[ this is not a conversation he would have ever seen himself having with alec lightwood, and if these were different circumstances, he might stop it completely. but they are trying to know each other better, and while it feels like the problems of all immortals or mortals considering immortality are often shared, the similarities here seem too significant to ignore. he can't avoid this when he was—and, at times, still is—up to his neck (ha) in the kind of thoughts and feelings that are dragging alec down now. he knows, too, that this affects magnus directly.

it goes without saying, but: ] it's not easy. for you to watch them die, or for them to watch you live.

but i didn't have a choice. when i recognized there was no going back, the only thing i could do was accept it and move forward.

[ of course, there was a short but nearly deadly period where he recognized there was no going back and felt moving forward was hopeless, unfathomable. but he keeps that to himself.

alec does have a choice, and perhaps it is worse to know that if he makes the wrong one, the fault will lie with him and him alone. ]

[helical]

[ it's not one he thought he'd ever have at all, and specially not with raphael santiago. he appreciates the effort raphael is putting into this. he'd have every reason to laugh and not respond, or go do something more important with his time.

raphael is right. having the choice complicates things, because if he makes the wrong one, it's on him entirely. if he regrets one way or another, he'll live his life with it. ]

so you wouldn't have chosen this for yourself?

[administration]

[ a few short months ago, raphael would have abandoned this line of questioning long before this point. immortality is, of course, a very personal concept for him, and not one he would have been comfortable discussing with a shadowhunter. that's not to say this is comfortable now, but it feels somewhat more manageable. more important, at the very least.

raphael has to wonder if this topic has come up between magnus and alec yet or if alec is trying to sort through his own thoughts and feelings before attempting to tackle the issue together. ]

no. i wouldn't have chosen this for myself if it had been up to me.
but the people i wanted to spend my life with were not this. my turning caused a divide.

[ of course, alec would cause a divide, too. he would be different from his family and friends, but it's clear this is about magnus. ]