i know. but being more specific... it's personal, i guess. right? i didn't want to make it seem like i'm prying and thought this might give you more room to be selective about how much you say.
[ this is not a conversation he would have ever seen himself having with alec lightwood, and if these were different circumstances, he might stop it completely. but they are trying to know each other better, and while it feels like the problems of all immortals or mortals considering immortality are often shared, the similarities here seem too significant to ignore. he can't avoid this when he was—and, at times, still is—up to his neck (ha) in the kind of thoughts and feelings that are dragging alec down now. he knows, too, that this affects magnus directly.
it goes without saying, but: ] it's not easy. for you to watch them die, or for them to watch you live.
but i didn't have a choice. when i recognized there was no going back, the only thing i could do was accept it and move forward.
[ of course, there was a short but nearly deadly period where he recognized there was no going back and felt moving forward was hopeless, unfathomable. but he keeps that to himself.
alec does have a choice, and perhaps it is worse to know that if he makes the wrong one, the fault will lie with him and him alone. ]
[ it's not one he thought he'd ever have at all, and specially not with raphael santiago. he appreciates the effort raphael is putting into this. he'd have every reason to laugh and not respond, or go do something more important with his time.
raphael is right. having the choice complicates things, because if he makes the wrong one, it's on him entirely. if he regrets one way or another, he'll live his life with it. ]
[ a few short months ago, raphael would have abandoned this line of questioning long before this point. immortality is, of course, a very personal concept for him, and not one he would have been comfortable discussing with a shadowhunter. that's not to say this is comfortable now, but it feels somewhat more manageable. more important, at the very least.
raphael has to wonder if this topic has come up between magnus and alec yet or if alec is trying to sort through his own thoughts and feelings before attempting to tackle the issue together. ]
no. i wouldn't have chosen this for myself if it had been up to me. but the people i wanted to spend my life with were not this. my turning caused a divide.
[ of course, alec would cause a divide, too. he would be different from his family and friends, but it's clear this is about magnus. ]
[ it's good, to hear things from someone who didn't have a choice and wouldn't have made it for themselves, as well as someone who very much chose it in the first place. both for the same result, too, because immortality is one thing, but immortality as the undead, unable to see the sun and needing blood to live — it's something else entirely than what alec's options involve.
and it's true. he would have someone with him. he wants to spend his life with his family too, though. ]
right. i wouldn't... be alone. there'd be a divide, but i'd still have some of my family. your clan, they're like family to you, right?
[ being immortal and being immortal and undead are important distinctions. raphael's life had to change drastically after he was turned. he had to avoid the daylight, learn to control his hunger, fight through the burning of religious objects and accept that something might have happened to his soul, whether it was changed or damaged or lost. there are ways of gaining immortality that don't involve any of this.
raphael too had someone with him, right from the beginning and on. what a coincidence that that someone is the same someone alec will have. but no, not being alone doesn't remove the loneliness for certain people, especially those you've known and grown up with for your entire life. ]
you'd have them for a time. and yes, they've become my family.
[ not a replacement for the one he's losing, but an extension of them. ]
[ axel has been saying similar things, that you create new families, people who mean just as much, even after yours is gone. that there can be new people in your life. he knows magnus would say the same, too.
at being asked which method, he thinks of rafa saying he won't offer to turn him. of how the thought of being a vampire makes his skin crawl. he feels bad about it. he knows a handful of vampires now, is close to several, and they're more than fine with what they are.
but alec would rather avoid that option at all costs. ]
i was thinking i'd ask the city. see what my options are.
[ of course, there is always loss in life, whether you're immortal or not. sooner or later, alec is sure to see his parents pass on, perhaps even his siblings if something were to happen. immortality really only means that he'll witness these losses with the knowledge that he's not so likely to follow after them. he'll have time—loads of time—to accept those deaths and move on, which might even be a benefit.
but thinking about the benefits of loved ones leaving is never easy.
raphael knows and accepts what he is, yes, but he completely understands why someone would want to find another way. if it was his fate to become immortal, fine. there's no changing that. but if he'd had options, vampire probably would have been very low on his list. he's had to make so many sacrifices, so many adjustments. ]
make immortality your new objective. [ it's resourceful.
[ the more alec thinks on it, the more the pros and cons are even numbered. all of them have a lot to do with very persona things, personal choices. like whether he thinks he has enough to live for in the future that the death of his family will be survivable.
there's no way to know. he just has to decide, and since he's still unsure, he knows he isn't ready to.
it may take a while, which pains him for the very reason raphael brings up. he hates keeping these things from magnus. ]
i haven't. not about this. i don't want to bring it up and give him hope if i'm... still weighing my options.
[ magnus happens to be the person he wants to talk to about this the most, but he can't bring himself to put him through that if it's only to tell him 'nevermind' in the end. ]
[ thinking about it, even raphael is unsure what magnus' response would be to the possibility. of course, magnus would want alec to make the decision he wanted above everything else, but it seems only natural that there would be hope in the idea, hope in the opportunity to avoid another loss and another period of loneliness. raphael has no interest in dwelling on the image of magnus after alec has passed on.
perhaps selfishly, he would like to avoid that pain and magnus' pain altogether. there are benefits to a future in which alec lives on, but all of it is a risk. ]
i know he wouldn't steer you either way. he's not the type. but i see your point. i don't suppose you know how long weighing your options will take?
[ alec is aware of how important it is for him to calculate that risk well. it would serve no one if he ends up regretting this choice for the rest of his life, to the point where it sours every relationship he has.
he wants to make the right choice. he hates not seeing a clear right or wrong option. ]
i know. but i don't want to put him in that position, i guess. of essentially having to tell me it's up to me if i'd rather die than be with him forever. you get it, right?
no. i'm trying not to eternalize it. i hate keeping things from him.
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i can't answer that.
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why not?
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because i've been trying to answer it for months.
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you must have some thoughts, then.
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yeah, and it's that i don't know the answer. even after asking around.
what about you, how do you feel about being immortal?
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that's a broad question, don't you think?
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[ but seriously, alec is making an attempt to be sensitive here. ]
like i said, i wouldn't change it now. this is who i am. but that doesn't mean it's a life without cons.
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i know my parents wouldn't approve. but mostly i think about watching them all die.
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it goes without saying, but: ] it's not easy. for you to watch them die, or for them to watch you live.
but i didn't have a choice. when i recognized there was no going back, the only thing i could do was accept it and move forward.
[ of course, there was a short but nearly deadly period where he recognized there was no going back and felt moving forward was hopeless, unfathomable. but he keeps that to himself.
alec does have a choice, and perhaps it is worse to know that if he makes the wrong one, the fault will lie with him and him alone. ]
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raphael is right. having the choice complicates things, because if he makes the wrong one, it's on him entirely. if he regrets one way or another, he'll live his life with it. ]
so you wouldn't have chosen this for yourself?
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raphael has to wonder if this topic has come up between magnus and alec yet or if alec is trying to sort through his own thoughts and feelings before attempting to tackle the issue together. ]
no. i wouldn't have chosen this for myself if it had been up to me.
but the people i wanted to spend my life with were not this. my turning caused a divide.
[ of course, alec would cause a divide, too. he would be different from his family and friends, but it's clear this is about magnus. ]
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and it's true. he would have someone with him. he wants to spend his life with his family too, though. ]
right. i wouldn't... be alone. there'd be a divide, but i'd still have some of my family.
your clan, they're like family to you, right?
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raphael too had someone with him, right from the beginning and on. what a coincidence that that someone is the same someone alec will have. but no, not being alone doesn't remove the loneliness for certain people, especially those you've known and grown up with for your entire life. ]
you'd have them for a time.
and yes, they've become my family.
[ not a replacement for the one he's losing, but an extension of them. ]
what method of immortality are you considering?
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at being asked which method, he thinks of rafa saying he won't offer to turn him. of how the thought of being a vampire makes his skin crawl. he feels bad about it. he knows a handful of vampires now, is close to several, and they're more than fine with what they are.
but alec would rather avoid that option at all costs. ]
i was thinking i'd ask the city. see what my options are.
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but thinking about the benefits of loved ones leaving is never easy.
raphael knows and accepts what he is, yes, but he completely understands why someone would want to find another way. if it was his fate to become immortal, fine. there's no changing that. but if he'd had options, vampire probably would have been very low on his list. he's had to make so many sacrifices, so many adjustments. ]
make immortality your new objective. [ it's resourceful.
he has to ask: ] have you spoken to magnus yet?
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there's no way to know. he just has to decide, and since he's still unsure, he knows he isn't ready to.
it may take a while, which pains him for the very reason raphael brings up. he hates keeping these things from magnus. ]
i haven't. not about this. i don't want to bring it up and give him hope if i'm... still weighing my options.
[ magnus happens to be the person he wants to talk to about this the most, but he can't bring himself to put him through that if it's only to tell him 'nevermind' in the end. ]
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perhaps selfishly, he would like to avoid that pain and magnus' pain altogether. there are benefits to a future in which alec lives on, but all of it is a risk. ]
i know he wouldn't steer you either way. he's not the type. but i see your point.
i don't suppose you know how long weighing your options will take?
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he wants to make the right choice. he hates not seeing a clear right or wrong option. ]
i know. but i don't want to put him in that position, i guess. of essentially having to tell me it's up to me if i'd rather die than be with him forever. you get it, right?
no. i'm trying not to eternalize it. i hate keeping things from him.