[ it's good, to hear things from someone who didn't have a choice and wouldn't have made it for themselves, as well as someone who very much chose it in the first place. both for the same result, too, because immortality is one thing, but immortality as the undead, unable to see the sun and needing blood to live — it's something else entirely than what alec's options involve.
and it's true. he would have someone with him. he wants to spend his life with his family too, though. ]
right. i wouldn't... be alone. there'd be a divide, but i'd still have some of my family. your clan, they're like family to you, right?
[ being immortal and being immortal and undead are important distinctions. raphael's life had to change drastically after he was turned. he had to avoid the daylight, learn to control his hunger, fight through the burning of religious objects and accept that something might have happened to his soul, whether it was changed or damaged or lost. there are ways of gaining immortality that don't involve any of this.
raphael too had someone with him, right from the beginning and on. what a coincidence that that someone is the same someone alec will have. but no, not being alone doesn't remove the loneliness for certain people, especially those you've known and grown up with for your entire life. ]
you'd have them for a time. and yes, they've become my family.
[ not a replacement for the one he's losing, but an extension of them. ]
[ axel has been saying similar things, that you create new families, people who mean just as much, even after yours is gone. that there can be new people in your life. he knows magnus would say the same, too.
at being asked which method, he thinks of rafa saying he won't offer to turn him. of how the thought of being a vampire makes his skin crawl. he feels bad about it. he knows a handful of vampires now, is close to several, and they're more than fine with what they are.
but alec would rather avoid that option at all costs. ]
i was thinking i'd ask the city. see what my options are.
[ of course, there is always loss in life, whether you're immortal or not. sooner or later, alec is sure to see his parents pass on, perhaps even his siblings if something were to happen. immortality really only means that he'll witness these losses with the knowledge that he's not so likely to follow after them. he'll have time—loads of time—to accept those deaths and move on, which might even be a benefit.
but thinking about the benefits of loved ones leaving is never easy.
raphael knows and accepts what he is, yes, but he completely understands why someone would want to find another way. if it was his fate to become immortal, fine. there's no changing that. but if he'd had options, vampire probably would have been very low on his list. he's had to make so many sacrifices, so many adjustments. ]
make immortality your new objective. [ it's resourceful.
[ the more alec thinks on it, the more the pros and cons are even numbered. all of them have a lot to do with very persona things, personal choices. like whether he thinks he has enough to live for in the future that the death of his family will be survivable.
there's no way to know. he just has to decide, and since he's still unsure, he knows he isn't ready to.
it may take a while, which pains him for the very reason raphael brings up. he hates keeping these things from magnus. ]
i haven't. not about this. i don't want to bring it up and give him hope if i'm... still weighing my options.
[ magnus happens to be the person he wants to talk to about this the most, but he can't bring himself to put him through that if it's only to tell him 'nevermind' in the end. ]
[ thinking about it, even raphael is unsure what magnus' response would be to the possibility. of course, magnus would want alec to make the decision he wanted above everything else, but it seems only natural that there would be hope in the idea, hope in the opportunity to avoid another loss and another period of loneliness. raphael has no interest in dwelling on the image of magnus after alec has passed on.
perhaps selfishly, he would like to avoid that pain and magnus' pain altogether. there are benefits to a future in which alec lives on, but all of it is a risk. ]
i know he wouldn't steer you either way. he's not the type. but i see your point. i don't suppose you know how long weighing your options will take?
[ alec is aware of how important it is for him to calculate that risk well. it would serve no one if he ends up regretting this choice for the rest of his life, to the point where it sours every relationship he has.
he wants to make the right choice. he hates not seeing a clear right or wrong option. ]
i know. but i don't want to put him in that position, i guess. of essentially having to tell me it's up to me if i'd rather die than be with him forever. you get it, right?
no. i'm trying not to eternalize it. i hate keeping things from him.
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and it's true. he would have someone with him. he wants to spend his life with his family too, though. ]
right. i wouldn't... be alone. there'd be a divide, but i'd still have some of my family.
your clan, they're like family to you, right?
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raphael too had someone with him, right from the beginning and on. what a coincidence that that someone is the same someone alec will have. but no, not being alone doesn't remove the loneliness for certain people, especially those you've known and grown up with for your entire life. ]
you'd have them for a time.
and yes, they've become my family.
[ not a replacement for the one he's losing, but an extension of them. ]
what method of immortality are you considering?
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at being asked which method, he thinks of rafa saying he won't offer to turn him. of how the thought of being a vampire makes his skin crawl. he feels bad about it. he knows a handful of vampires now, is close to several, and they're more than fine with what they are.
but alec would rather avoid that option at all costs. ]
i was thinking i'd ask the city. see what my options are.
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but thinking about the benefits of loved ones leaving is never easy.
raphael knows and accepts what he is, yes, but he completely understands why someone would want to find another way. if it was his fate to become immortal, fine. there's no changing that. but if he'd had options, vampire probably would have been very low on his list. he's had to make so many sacrifices, so many adjustments. ]
make immortality your new objective. [ it's resourceful.
he has to ask: ] have you spoken to magnus yet?
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there's no way to know. he just has to decide, and since he's still unsure, he knows he isn't ready to.
it may take a while, which pains him for the very reason raphael brings up. he hates keeping these things from magnus. ]
i haven't. not about this. i don't want to bring it up and give him hope if i'm... still weighing my options.
[ magnus happens to be the person he wants to talk to about this the most, but he can't bring himself to put him through that if it's only to tell him 'nevermind' in the end. ]
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perhaps selfishly, he would like to avoid that pain and magnus' pain altogether. there are benefits to a future in which alec lives on, but all of it is a risk. ]
i know he wouldn't steer you either way. he's not the type. but i see your point.
i don't suppose you know how long weighing your options will take?
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he wants to make the right choice. he hates not seeing a clear right or wrong option. ]
i know. but i don't want to put him in that position, i guess. of essentially having to tell me it's up to me if i'd rather die than be with him forever. you get it, right?
no. i'm trying not to eternalize it. i hate keeping things from him.