[ there are only a small handful of times that justin's ever been unsure of himself, neck-deep in his self-doubt and drained of any self-confidence in nearly every aspect of his life. they're moments he wishes, sometimes, that he could forget, even if looking back on them reminds him of all the things he's overcome, all the things that have shaped him into who he is today.
this, right now, is not one of those moments. this, right here, is not something justin thinks he'll ever want to forget. the casual back and forth, almost-playful bantering, the intimacy of sharing his art, sketches and drawings no one else has seen before - and the way his fingers fit so nicely into the spaces between raphael's, the way their mouths fit together just as nicely.
justin may have more experience when it comes to this sort of thing, but all that means is that he knows how to sense and set a pace that, hopefully, isn't too fast or too much. raphael kisses just fine (and fine is somewhat of an understatement if he's honest, even if everything so far is soft and slow), and justin falls into it easily, pressing in to chase after a little more, just a tiny bit more, and letting raphael lean in to take what he wants, when he wants.
cool fingers sliding around his wrist tug him toward the surface, but it's the sound of his name that breaks the tension and justin suddenly feels... unsure. uncertain and unclear and like maybe he's fucked this up really badly - whatever this is, whatever it was.
his fingers curl slightly against the side of raphael's neck, blunt nails ghosting against cool skin, his eyes still closed. his lips part like he means to say something, but he just swallows thickly instead, finally opening his eyes. he doesn't lift his gaze right away, breathing out slowly as his thumb unconsciously smooths a slow line against the side of raphael's hand, fingers still linked together.
justin lifts his hand away from the side of raphael's neck just an inch, just enough so that they're not touching anymore, because he assumes that's what the hand around his wrist is about - putting a stop to something he made too many assumptions about. ]
Shit, [ he breathes, a small rush of air, an apologetic sigh of a word. he swallows again, wets his lips. ] I'm sorry.
[ but he's not. not really. he's not sorry for liking raphael, he's not sorry for finding him interesting or charming or intriguing, and he's not sorry for somehow coming to trust him with things like his art. he's not sorry for kissing raphael, either, but he's sorry for misunderstanding. he's sorry for doing something that's probably going to screw up whatever friendship they'd built despite the odds. ]
I should have, um - I should have... asked, instead of just.
[ he ends the sentence in the middle before he winds up rambling and making things awkward and uncomfortable, more than they probably already are. ]
Edited (don't mind me fixin' typos) 2017-08-15 14:38 (UTC)
[ raphael does shiver now, the drag of nails against his skin acute and remarkable in a way that barely make sense to him. he looks at justin under hooded lids, here where their noses still touch, and waits to see his eyes. he can feel his breath, hear the thrash of blood; raphael seems to forget all the places they touch. at the moment, it feels like everywhere.
justin's hand lifts from his neck and raphael realizes immediately that he should have let the kiss go on, that interrupting it now has shaken them both. that's the last thing he wanted. this he knows despite the fact that the last twenty seconds have taken his old wants and turned them into unrecognizable things. raphael's grip on justin's wrist tightens just so, not enough to hurt, not enough to make justin regret this any more, but enough to discourage him from completely pulling away. his thumb mirrors justin before he can really think about it, rubbing up and down along the soft skin at the inside of justin's wrist. ]
No. [ he starts before justin can go any further, a soft shred of characteristic exasperation escaping with the word. it's not directed towards justin, though. it's at his own doubt, his need not to let this get away from him. ] I wanted you to.
[ it's possible he hadn't even realized it before, not in the moment leading up to justin's mouth seeking his. but he'd been waiting for something; waiting for orbits to cross, waiting for shadows to shift, waiting for this solar eclipse of a kiss.
and as such, he should have confronted it long ago. it's not like raphael santiago to shy away from truth, but maybe he can be forgiven here. it's not often that he falls so wholly into things like this, things that could very well be called love. it'll remain nameless for now. he can only be expected to hold so much within the cavern of his chest.
raphael sighs, breath stuttering a little, and then focuses on justin's face. ]
I don't want sex. [ his teeth clack together. it's abrupt and he knows it, a further jump than perhaps justin was expecting, but if he's going to be honest, he won't do it halfway. he's distracted for a moment by how bright justin's eyes look now, wondering if he'd done that, wondering if his look the same. he swallows thickly, gaze dropping as he recollects himself. ]
But this— [ the fingers he has wrapped around justin's wrist slide up to his hand and then press his warm palm back to the column of raphael's throat. in an instant, justin's pulse rumbles louder in raphael's ears, a rhythmic proclamation of life, life, life. he pauses here, hoping that justin's fingertips will settle again against cold skin. ]
I should have known before. I need this. [ with all the surety in the world, gaze steady, lips pressed firmly together. it sounds so simple, but maybe here and now, it can be. nevermind what comes later. he has learned after long years of wanting to be a leader to exude confidence. he knows it makes people listen to him even when faced with crisis, death, war. he has to hope justin listens to him now, when they're faced only with each other. this certainty he feels all the way down to old bones and venomous blood. a small shake of his head. ] I need to not forget.
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this, right now, is not one of those moments. this, right here, is not something justin thinks he'll ever want to forget. the casual back and forth, almost-playful bantering, the intimacy of sharing his art, sketches and drawings no one else has seen before - and the way his fingers fit so nicely into the spaces between raphael's, the way their mouths fit together just as nicely.
justin may have more experience when it comes to this sort of thing, but all that means is that he knows how to sense and set a pace that, hopefully, isn't too fast or too much. raphael kisses just fine (and fine is somewhat of an understatement if he's honest, even if everything so far is soft and slow), and justin falls into it easily, pressing in to chase after a little more, just a tiny bit more, and letting raphael lean in to take what he wants, when he wants.
cool fingers sliding around his wrist tug him toward the surface, but it's the sound of his name that breaks the tension and justin suddenly feels... unsure. uncertain and unclear and like maybe he's fucked this up really badly - whatever this is, whatever it was.
his fingers curl slightly against the side of raphael's neck, blunt nails ghosting against cool skin, his eyes still closed. his lips part like he means to say something, but he just swallows thickly instead, finally opening his eyes. he doesn't lift his gaze right away, breathing out slowly as his thumb unconsciously smooths a slow line against the side of raphael's hand, fingers still linked together.
justin lifts his hand away from the side of raphael's neck just an inch, just enough so that they're not touching anymore, because he assumes that's what the hand around his wrist is about - putting a stop to something he made too many assumptions about. ]
Shit, [ he breathes, a small rush of air, an apologetic sigh of a word. he swallows again, wets his lips. ] I'm sorry.
[ but he's not. not really. he's not sorry for liking raphael, he's not sorry for finding him interesting or charming or intriguing, and he's not sorry for somehow coming to trust him with things like his art. he's not sorry for kissing raphael, either, but he's sorry for misunderstanding. he's sorry for doing something that's probably going to screw up whatever friendship they'd built despite the odds. ]
I should have, um - I should have... asked, instead of just.
[ he ends the sentence in the middle before he winds up rambling and making things awkward and uncomfortable, more than they probably already are. ]
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justin's hand lifts from his neck and raphael realizes immediately that he should have let the kiss go on, that interrupting it now has shaken them both. that's the last thing he wanted. this he knows despite the fact that the last twenty seconds have taken his old wants and turned them into unrecognizable things. raphael's grip on justin's wrist tightens just so, not enough to hurt, not enough to make justin regret this any more, but enough to discourage him from completely pulling away. his thumb mirrors justin before he can really think about it, rubbing up and down along the soft skin at the inside of justin's wrist. ]
No. [ he starts before justin can go any further, a soft shred of characteristic exasperation escaping with the word. it's not directed towards justin, though. it's at his own doubt, his need not to let this get away from him. ] I wanted you to.
[ it's possible he hadn't even realized it before, not in the moment leading up to justin's mouth seeking his. but he'd been waiting for something; waiting for orbits to cross, waiting for shadows to shift, waiting for this solar eclipse of a kiss.
and as such, he should have confronted it long ago. it's not like raphael santiago to shy away from truth, but maybe he can be forgiven here. it's not often that he falls so wholly into things like this, things that could very well be called love. it'll remain nameless for now. he can only be expected to hold so much within the cavern of his chest.
raphael sighs, breath stuttering a little, and then focuses on justin's face. ]
I don't want sex. [ his teeth clack together. it's abrupt and he knows it, a further jump than perhaps justin was expecting, but if he's going to be honest, he won't do it halfway. he's distracted for a moment by how bright justin's eyes look now, wondering if he'd done that, wondering if his look the same. he swallows thickly, gaze dropping as he recollects himself. ]
But this— [ the fingers he has wrapped around justin's wrist slide up to his hand and then press his warm palm back to the column of raphael's throat. in an instant, justin's pulse rumbles louder in raphael's ears, a rhythmic proclamation of life, life, life. he pauses here, hoping that justin's fingertips will settle again against cold skin. ]
I should have known before. I need this. [ with all the surety in the world, gaze steady, lips pressed firmly together. it sounds so simple, but maybe here and now, it can be. nevermind what comes later. he has learned after long years of wanting to be a leader to exude confidence. he knows it makes people listen to him even when faced with crisis, death, war. he has to hope justin listens to him now, when they're faced only with each other. this certainty he feels all the way down to old bones and venomous blood. a small shake of his head. ] I need to not forget.